Out of Touch
by bellumjustum
Summary: What was behind the shoulders grab and look in Sacrifices?


Title: Out of Touch

Category: S/J Romance, Jack POV

Summary: What was behind that shoulders grab and the look?

Rating: G

Status: complete

Season/series: Season 8

Spoilers: Season 8, Sacrifices

Disclaimer: I don't own Stargate, the characters, the actors or any portion of the United States Military. I have less than no money (I knew that whole negative numbers thing would come in handy sometime, kids this is why you need to learn math) nor do I want money (just kidding, I don't want any money for THIS, because that would be against the law or something)

Archive: Anywhere as long as you tell me where, thanks.

Feedback: yes please, may I have another?

Email: please put something in the subject line so I know it's not junk.

Authors Notes: I started this on Saturday, September 11, 2004, I didn't actually finish it till 1am Tuesday September 14, 2004, I was having trouble finding a good ending. I don't know if the one I have is any good, but I would like to throw this one in the shark tank and see how the fanfic'ers like it. I don't yet have a beta, so any and all errors with this story are mine and mine alone. Thanks for reading my work.

**Out of touch**

I miss the field, I know that I'm really too old, my knees would have grounded me even if this promotion hadn't. But I knew who I was out there, I had spent my whole career sticking it to the man, and one day I wake up and I'm the man. What was the pentagon thinking? I'm not general material, most snake eaters aren't. snake eaters, the unofficial handle of special operations forces, that phrase had taken on new meaning in the last eight years, now we really did chew through snakes, we had done well, Ra, Apothis, Aunbis, Apothis, Seth, Apothis, others I can't remember. That is what I should be doing, not paper work, not telling the commissary how to cook potatoes. I'm out of touch with who I am.

I also miss my team, oh they're still here, Teal'c, Daniel, Carter. But it's not _my_ team any more, it's her team. I can't joke around with Daniel like I once did, I can't support him like I once did. He doesn't understand, all those times I backed him up to Hammond, even when Hammond turned us down. Now I'm the one that has to turn him down. He looks at me differently, less of a friend than before, more of a boss, because that is what I am, the boss. I'm out of touch with my team.

Teal'c understands, he was First Prime, he was in my shoes, and I'm glad that one of them knows what I'm going through, what I have to be. Carter, I miss her the most, the way we used to joke around, but things have changed between us. It's different to be a general, maybe I should have retired, maybe give this thing with Carter a chance. But I waited too long, they waved the bloody flag of war in my face, blew the trumpets of duty, and I answered as I always had, to war I went, to do my duty. Now she's engaged, to Pete for cryin out loud. I wish I could take it all back, I wish it could be the way it used to be. Hammond would send us through the gate, we'd go someplace with trees, or sand, Daniel would go crazy over his rocks, Carter over her samples and experiments. Teal'c would keep an eye on Spacemonkey, I'd get bored quickly so I'd bug Carter. Maybe I'd ask her to go fishing, maybe not. I'd play dumb, because that almost always got me a smile, and not just any smile, one of hers. There were days I lived just for her smile. I'm out of touch with Carter.

Then somehow I found myself a general, and I found my base overrun with female Jaffa warriors. Ishta's group, she and Teal'c obviously had feelings for each other, even a blind man could see it, and then there was Rya'c, T's son last time I had seen him he was a little boy, now he's a young man, all grown up, and getting married. When did he get old enough to marry? And it was taking long enough to find a new base for Ishta and her group, so Rya'c would be married here. I didn't want the wedding here, I don't want the joining of two souls to be thrust in my face. Hey don't get me wrong; I would gladly have gone somewhere, anywhere else for the wedding of one of our kids, but not here. I wanted the wedding moved, so that I could pretend just a little longer. So I could pretend that things were the same as they had always been. I'm out of touch with reality.

I had visions of grabbing her, Sam, shaking some sense into her. Visions of telling her of the love in my heart, the heart that still burned for her, ran through my head. I would beg her to not marry Pete, to marry me instead. I would not be in the service much longer, my age was catching up with me; soon I would be forced to retire, for good this time. But there was no way I was going to ask my love to give up her life for a beat up old war horse like me. I am a better man than that. What a strange thing love is, I would be content to see her day after day, married to anyone but me, as long as she was happy, as long as she was loved. I would die a thousand deaths for her happiness. Those two sides of me battle for dominance, the side that wants her to know of my love, and the side that wants her to be happy. It was the love side that grabbed her in the hall, but it was the "her happiness" side that spoke. The only word that the love side managed to get out was the "please" and as quick as that my other side took over "tell me you're close to finding a planet" "we scouted one yesterday that Ishta seems comfortable with, fresh water stable climate" her beautiful voice stopped there, and we both were surprised to find my hands on her shoulders. I was holding on to her, like she was my lifeline in a storm swept sea, but I had to let her go. That was what I had to do, there in the hall, and now, till death do they part, I have to let her go. I had to let her go.  
I'm out of touch with my heart.


End file.
